These are ultimately the reasons I had to start the blog back up. There have been waaaaay too many Bobizms that I have needed to share with the world.
Bob is currently in the hunt for a new car. I asked him how the car search is going, and according to Bob there is not a car made within the last 50 years that truely lives up to his standards. Today he literally talked to me and my brother for an hour about how amazing his '59 Chevy used to be. Bob really gets off to talking about this car. He bought it for $50 dollars and drove it until the 80's when the car was ultimately blown up on the show "Crime Story"(reaaaally bad 80's detective show). Somewhere in his rambling he tried to explain to Mike and I what a petcock was. I guess there are petcocks on most older cars...but I still think Mickey and Maggie have a better idea of what a petcock is than I do.
Later on we were all making smores, and Bob has the most fucked up marshmallow roasting technique. The way he roasts marshmallows literally pisses me off. He will roast the marshmallow perfectly for about 5 minutes until it is the perfect shade of golden brown(see figure 1.1). He will then lower the marshmallow into the fire and burn the shit out of it with a big smile on his face(Seee figure 1.2). He will then look me directly in the eye and laugh about how much he ruined his marshmallow (see figure 1.3) . Anyways.... well we were making smores Bob started to talk about how he wants a living wake (Is it normal for a man in his mid 50's to feel death knockoing on the door?). He said he would want to see who would show up, and then we wouldn't even need a real wake when he died. He went on to tell us that the path to his death will resemble the way he roasts marshmellows. He wants to lay out and get perfectly tan, and then when he dies, he wants to be creamated and burnt to a crisp (just like his marshmellows). Is this a normal thing to say??
I was shopping at Jewel yesterday, when I stumbled upon a gem in the frozen foods section. Roberto Garza Donuts!! How awesome is this? I seriously wonder how many people who are about to buy these donuts, look at the box, and pick other donuts because they see a Bears offensive lineman (cough cough) on the box. I wonder what the selection process for their spokesperson was, and how Roberto Garza won them over. Some questions are just best to be left unanswered....
I guess this promotion has been going on all year, but I first heard about it when I was watching the Hawks game at a friends house Saturday. If the Hawks score a goal at exactly the 10 minute mark of the 2nd period, one lucky fan wins $1 millions dollars.....Wow.....sounded too good to be true...how does this work? Well.... the promotion is sponsored by the Illinois Lottery and, they select a random fan that is in attendance before each home game. On Saturday, I told my friend that there was a snowballs chance in hell that anyone would win this gimmick. So.... Monday night rolls around (THEIR NEXT HOME GAME FOR GOD'S SAKE!), I'm watching the Hawks get killed 3-1 in the 3rd period when I get a call from my friend.
"Did you see the Hawks goal?" "Yea... did you see the Wild's 3 goals... we're getting smoked" "Yea but the Hawks scored at the 10 minute mark in the 2nd period" Well..... fuck my ass and call me a bitch. What are the odds.....
So I took it upon myself to figure out the odds that the Illinois Lottery would actually have to fork up the $$$...... 3600 seconds in a hockey game (60 seconds * 60 minutes). This year the Hawks have averaged 3.41 goals/game...so 3600/3.41=1055. Every game there is a 1/1055 (or .094%) chance the Lotto will have to fork up the cash. There are 42 home games in the year so the odds that this would happen during the ENTIRE SEASON was about 3.9%.
Lets take this a step further.... This year the Hawks have been drawing about 22,000 per game. What are the odds that you could buy a Hawks ticket and win $1,000,000?....not very good...I'll spare you guys the math and just tell you that it's 1/23,210,000....if you had season tickets??....1/522,620...... Season Tickets or not, this guy was one lucky son of a bitch.
I just purchased a 55 game Cubs season tickets package today, and I am excited for 2009. I was thinking about how bummed I would be if they didn't make the playoffs, but then I thought about how bad their division was going to be. The Brewers lost their two best pitchers to free agency, the Cardinals are going to be a contender (they are every year no matter how bad their team looks on paper. Tony LaRussa is the Bill Belechick of MLB.) Unless Chris Carpender comes back to 2006 form, they don't really scare me. The Pirates... well they are the suckiest bunch of sucks that have every sucked, I've never seen an orchestrated walkout at a sporting event until a couple years ago, I just don't see them turning it around any time soon. Despite a pretty potent offense, the Astros have mediocre pitching (and LaTroy Hawkins.... woof), they could be a surprise, but I just don't see it happening. That leaves the Reds...
This team has the potential to be the 2009 version of the Rays. They have a very good starting rotation. Aaron Harrang had an off year last year, and if he can be the 16-6 pitcher he was a couple years ago, he could be the ace of a very good staff that includes the Reds' two prized prospects (Edison Volquez and Johnny Cueto... both have filthy stuff, and will undoubtedly improve with a year under their belts). Bronson Arroyo is a solid #4 starter (He also has playoff and World Series experience witht he Red Sox), and Multi talented Micah Owings and rookie Ramon Ramirez (another prized prospect) will be fighting for the #5 spot. They have one of the best closers in baseball in Fransisco Cordero, and a bullpen full of veterans. Despite losing Adam Dunn (who nobody seems to want for some reason), they still have a pretty respectable offense led by second year players Joey Votto and Jay Bruce. Their lineup includes Jerry Harriston Jr. who hit .326 last year, and something the Cubs don't have, a great leadoff hitter (Brandon Phillips). This team is stocked with young talent and call me crazy.... but I think they could be competing for a division champoinship, or wild card spot in September. Here are some reasons why they might be the same old Reds that they've been for the last 15 years: Dusty Baker is their coach...need I say more? and this team might need a little more time to develop (with all of the young talent they have, it might take a couple more years until they become a serious contender). All that being said... if the Reds somehow make the playoffs in '09 I won't be the least bit surprised.
This is a top ten list of Bob's favorite things in life.
10) Borscht Mike and I refer to borscht as jewp (jew soup). If you are not European, Jewish, or Dwight Schrute, you have probably never heard of borscht. It is a cold soup made from beet juice. If that weren't gross enough, Bob adds a hearty amount of sour cream to every bowl. Writing about borscht makes me cringe because it is so repulsively disgusting... on to #9....
9) Honda Fit This is Bob's dream car. Does it make anyone else laugh imagining the Glassbergs packed into this thing?
8) Space Oddity by David Bowie
I wasn't aware that this was one of Bob's favorite things until it was on a Lincoln commercial a few months ago. After Bob saw that commercial, his love with Space Oddity was rekindled, and he started singing it and blasting it throughout the house for a week straight. I know I'm going to catch shit for posting this because when confronted, he denies liking this song, but I know it holds a special place in his heart.
7) Repeating Really Bad Puns & Jokes Unlike #8 on the list, this is nothing new to Bob. I have been hearing stupid puns and jokes since the day I was born. The new theme of puns tends to go something like: (Fill in Blank) Jack off (fill in blank). Example: "Did you see the new episode of 24? Is Jack Bauer in the United States, or is Jack off to Iraq? hahaha (not funny)
6) Yard Work OK... Lets get things straight here. He doesn't actually like doing the yard work as much as he likes having the yard look good. I do think he enjoys picking up the dog shit for some reason (he counts the number of dumps that he picks up in the back yard every week). Alright I'm regressing from my point here... Ever since I learned how to mow the lawn, I was under the explicit instruction to do the "patented cross-cut pattern" (basically mow the lawn diagonally in one direction, then go over it in the opposite direction. Thus, removing any stripe pattern irregularities left from turning at the end of each row and delivers a clean, finished look). Ok, this is where it gets intense. Over the summer I came home from work to find a handwritten, overview map of our yard, with boxed off 3's & 2's (imagine a color by numbers version of our yard with only 3's and 2's). The 3's were in the middle of the yard, and the 2's were around the tree's, near the sidewalk and driveway, and close to the fence. The 3's and 2's represented what lawnmower length setting Mike should use for the designated areas. So... yea..... Bob likes a well kept lawn.
5) Northwestern Football After disowning Oklahoma University as his alma mater, Bob had to chose a college team to root for. In 1995 he found Northwestern, went to nearly every game, and has been in love since. Every year he starts off the college football season by painting his leather Northwestern jacket purple, black, and white in anticipation of a successful campaign. Too bad they haven't won a bowl game since 1949.
4) Stale Peeps
Things that get better with age: Women, cheese, wine...........peeps? Is it normal to like stale peeps? This is about the time of the year that Bob will buy about 8 packs of peeps to start aging. When April rolls around, they are rock hard and ready to be devoured by Bob.
3) The Bob Holmblat pattern For those of you who don't know know what the Bob Holmblat pattern is (99.999% of the world doesn't). Bob Holmblat was a friend of Bob's at Oklahoma University. He came up with the perfect Pac-Man pattern to beat the level every time (imagine how much ass this guy used to pull in.... what a playa). One time we got Bob (Glassberg) a Pac-Man video game you can plug directly into the T.V. so he could recreate the Bob Holmblat pattern. Bob has been trying to recreate this pattern for over a decade with no success. I'm not exactly sure if this pattern is a myth or not.
2) Coffee Bob is addicted to coffee. Ok... a lot of people are addicted to coffee, but Bob takes it to a new level. After being a regular at Starbucks and Caribou for a number of years, he decided that the Glassberg family was spending too much money on coffee, so he decided to drop a grand or two on an automatic coffee/espresso/cappuccino maker. In a matter of seconds, this thing makes a single serving of coffee/espresso at the touch of a button. He also bought a coffee roaster. He orders green coffee beans on the internet and roasts them to perfection on a weekly basis.
1) Going to the Grocery Store The grocery store is Bob's home away from home. It seems like goes to the grocery store on a meal to meal basis. When he is at the grocery store he gets two things: 1) New products- He always brings back things I've never heard of : genetically modified fruits and vegetables, snack toast, jew foods (see #10). 2) Things we already have: How many times a week can you impulse buy cheese, eggs, and granola bars?? The sad part about Bob going to the grocery store every day: Whenever I'm hungry, I can't seem to find anything to eat.
I gmailed Bob yesterday to get three things on his daily stop at the grocery store (conditioner, body wash and chocolate syrup). I woke up at the crack of noon today (I don't have work on Fridays) and got in the shower... new conditioner, but no body wash (ok he's 1 for 2. Not too shabby). After my shower, I go downstairs and decide to make myself a mocha. I make the coffee and look in the fridge and there is a full bottle of Herseys Chocolate Syrup (Alright... props to Bob for following through on 2/3 of the order). I proceed to pour some chocolate syrup into my coffee and.... about half of what I pour makes it into my drink. The other half splooges all over the kitchen counter because it does not have the consistancy of Herseys Chocolate Syrup (it's about 1/3 as thick as normal syrup). I think to myself what the fuck is this?? He must have diluted our old chocolate syrup with water or milk. No... he decided to take it upon himself to make his own Glassberg brand of chocolate syrup by mixing cocoa, LOTS of sugar (its the only thing I can taste in my coffee right now), and water. Then, funnel it into our old Herseys syrup bottle to make it seem more authentic.
10)Dreadlocks Reason: Every sports figure with dreadlocks has been a disappointment to Bob. "Everyone with dreadlocks is getting into trouble".... Bob may have a point here...Pacman Jones, Cedrick Benson, Ricky Williams & Manny Ramirez. People that Bob just might hate: Whoopi Goldberg, Bob Marley & Jack Sparrow. 9)Domes Reason: Bob wants all sports to be played "in natural elements". Again I kind of agree with Bob on this one. Bob (and I) would rather see a muddy slopfest of a football game, than see "the greatest show on turf". Places Bob just might hate: The Pantheon, The Taj Mahal, BioDome The United States Capitol, Epcot Center.
8)Thugs & Greaseballs (Everyone Between 13-19 Years Old) Reason: None People Bob may hate: Mike Glassberg, Miley Cyrus & Harry Potter. 7)Advertising During Sporting Events Reason: There are too many things flashing across the screen, its just too hard to pay attention to the game. "They" are ruining all of the stadiums by selling ads everywhere. Things Bob Might Hate: The side of a bus, trains, the top of a taxis, magazines, newspapers & the internet.
6)Alcohol Reason: There is a biochemical basis for Jewish abstinence. Many Jews—fifty per cent, in one estimate—carry a variant gene for alcohol dehydrogenase. Therefore, they, like the East Asians, have a low tolerance for alcohol. Rumor has it that Bob drank on New Years Eve... but I don't buy it.... I have literally never seen Bob drunk in my entire life. Games you will never find Bob Playing: Beer Pong, Flippy Cup, Irish Poker & Circle of Death.
5)Things that aren't live Reason: I honestly have no idea...Bob just can't handle the fact that what he is watching is on a 3 second taped delay. Who would have thought that Janet Jackson's tit popping out during the superbowl halftime could have such an effect on Bob's life. When a sporting event is on he will refuse to watch it in HD because it is a second or two behind regular cable, so he will sit in his room and watch the game. If that wasn't enough, he will listen to the radio broadcast of the game to gain an extra second. Things that Bob might not like: Any Late Night Show, The Oscars, Pretty much any T.V. show on the air. 4)Basketball & Soccer Reason: "Soccer is a communist sport"-Bob. When I was 8 Bob signed me up for the 9-10 year old soccer league. Was this because he forgot my age? Maybe.... but i think it was because he didn't want to see any of his children become a communist. And for basketball....where do I even start? He hates the baggy shorts..."Are they wearing pajamas? I could go to sleep in those"-Bob. He hates the fouls every 2 minutes, he hates when they hang on the rim, he hates the squeeking, and Dick Vitale saying "Yea Baby" Movies that Bob might hate: Bend it like Beckham, Spacejam, Hoosiers,White Men Can't Jump, Air Bud, and Air Bud World Pup. 3)Oklahoma University Reason: They cocked on him Things that Bob might hate:The Sooner Schooner, the Fred Jones Jr. Museum of Art and the Sam Nobe Oklahoma Museum of Natural History.
2)Pam Reason: It ruins pans, and makes shit stick to the pan. Click Here for More Info Foods that Bob might not like to cook: Pancakes, eggs, seared scallops, cup cakes & muffins.
1)Technology & Gadgets Reason: Where do I even begin...well he thinks Windows Vista is the Antichrist. The first time he held an Xbox controller, he held it upside down. He doesn't understand why me and Mike use electric toothbrushes. He suggests his friends to me on facebook, then proceeds to adimately deny that the friend suggestion ever took place, implying that someone hacked into his facebook account, for the sole purpose of suggesting one of his facebook friends to me. Things that Bob might not like: The segway, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Blackberry phones & Remote control car starters.
