10) Borscht
Mike and I refer to borscht as jewp (jew soup). If you are not European, Jewish, or Dwight Schrute, you have probably never heard of borscht. It is a cold soup made from beet juice. If that weren't gross enough, Bob adds a hearty amount of sour cream to every bowl. Writing about borscht makes me cringe because it is so repulsively disgusting... on to #9....
9) Honda Fit
This is Bob's dream car. Does it make anyone else laugh imagining the Glassbergs packed into this thing?
8) Space Oddity by David Bowie
I wasn't aware that this was one of Bob's favorite things until it was on a Lincoln commercial a few months ago. After Bob saw that commercial, his love with Space Oddity was rekindled, and he started singing it and blasting it throughout the house for a week straight. I know I'm going to catch shit for posting this because when confronted, he denies liking this song, but I know it holds a special place in his heart.
7) Repeating Really Bad Puns & Jokes
Unlike #8 on the list, this is nothing new to Bob. I have been hearing stupid puns and jokes since the day I was born. The new theme of puns tends to go something like: (Fill in Blank) Jack off (fill in blank). Example: "Did you see the new episode of 24? Is Jack Bauer in the United States, or is Jack off to Iraq? hahaha (not funny)
6) Yard Work
OK... Lets get things straight here. He doesn't actually like doing the yard work as much as he likes having the yard look good. I do think he enjoys picking up the dog shit for some reason (he counts the number of dumps that he picks up in the back yard every week). Alright I'm regressing from my point here... Ever since I learned how to mow the lawn, I was under the explicit instruction to do the "patented cross-cut pattern" (basically mow the lawn diagonally in one direction, then go over it in the opposite direction. Thus, removing any stripe pattern irregularities left from turning at the end of each row and delivers a clean, finished look). Ok, this is where it gets intense. Over the summer I came home from work to find a handwritten, overview map of our yard, with boxed off 3's & 2's (imagine a color by numbers version of our yard with only 3's and 2's). The 3's were in the middle of the yard, and the 2's were around the tree's, near the sidewalk and driveway, and close to the fence. The 3's and 2's represented what lawnmower length setting Mike should use for the designated areas. So... yea..... Bob likes a well kept lawn.
5) Northwestern Football
After disowning Oklahoma University as his alma mater, Bob had to chose a college team to root for. In 1995 he found Northwestern, went to nearly every game, and has been in love since. Every year he starts off the college football season by painting his leather Northwestern jacket purple, black, and white in anticipation of a successful campaign. Too bad they haven't won a bowl game since 1949.
4) Stale Peeps
Things that get better with age: Women, cheese, wine...........peeps? Is it normal to like stale peeps? This is about the time of the year that Bob will buy about 8 packs of peeps to start aging. When April rolls around, they are rock hard and ready to be devoured by Bob.
3) The Bob Holmblat pattern
For those of you who don't know know what the Bob Holmblat pattern is (99.999% of the world doesn't). Bob Holmblat was a friend of Bob's at Oklahoma University. He came up with the perfect Pac-Man pattern to beat the level every time (imagine how much ass this guy used to pull in.... what a playa). One time we got Bob (Glassberg) a Pac-Man video game you can plug directly into the T.V. so he could recreate the Bob Holmblat pattern. Bob has been trying to recreate this pattern for over a decade with no success. I'm not exactly sure if this pattern is a myth or not.
2) Coffee
Bob is addicted to coffee. Ok... a lot of people are addicted to coffee, but Bob takes it to a new level. After being a regular at Starbucks and Caribou for a number of years, he decided that the Glassberg family was spending too much money on coffee, so he decided to drop a grand or two on an automatic coffee/espresso/cappuccino maker. In a matter of seconds, this thing makes a single serving of coffee/espresso at the touch of a button. He also bought a coffee roaster. He orders green coffee beans on the internet and roasts them to perfection on a weekly basis.
1) Going to the Grocery Store
The grocery store is Bob's home away from home. It seems like goes to the grocery store on a meal to meal basis. When he is at the grocery store he gets two things:
1) New products- He always brings back things I've never heard of : genetically modified fruits and vegetables, snack toast, jew foods (see #10).
2) Things we already have: How many times a week can you impulse buy cheese, eggs, and granola bars??
The sad part about Bob going to the grocery store every day: Whenever I'm hungry, I can't seem to find anything to eat.
Mike and I refer to borscht as jewp (jew soup). If you are not European, Jewish, or Dwight Schrute, you have probably never heard of borscht. It is a cold soup made from beet juice. If that weren't gross enough, Bob adds a hearty amount of sour cream to every bowl. Writing about borscht makes me cringe because it is so repulsively disgusting... on to #9....
9) Honda Fit
This is Bob's dream car. Does it make anyone else laugh imagining the Glassbergs packed into this thing?
8) Space Oddity by David Bowie
I wasn't aware that this was one of Bob's favorite things until it was on a Lincoln commercial a few months ago. After Bob saw that commercial, his love with Space Oddity was rekindled, and he started singing it and blasting it throughout the house for a week straight. I know I'm going to catch shit for posting this because when confronted, he denies liking this song, but I know it holds a special place in his heart.
7) Repeating Really Bad Puns & Jokes
Unlike #8 on the list, this is nothing new to Bob. I have been hearing stupid puns and jokes since the day I was born. The new theme of puns tends to go something like: (Fill in Blank) Jack off (fill in blank). Example: "Did you see the new episode of 24? Is Jack Bauer in the United States, or is Jack off to Iraq? hahaha (not funny)
6) Yard Work
OK... Lets get things straight here. He doesn't actually like doing the yard work as much as he likes having the yard look good. I do think he enjoys picking up the dog shit for some reason (he counts the number of dumps that he picks up in the back yard every week). Alright I'm regressing from my point here... Ever since I learned how to mow the lawn, I was under the explicit instruction to do the "patented cross-cut pattern" (basically mow the lawn diagonally in one direction, then go over it in the opposite direction. Thus, removing any stripe pattern irregularities left from turning at the end of each row and delivers a clean, finished look). Ok, this is where it gets intense. Over the summer I came home from work to find a handwritten, overview map of our yard, with boxed off 3's & 2's (imagine a color by numbers version of our yard with only 3's and 2's). The 3's were in the middle of the yard, and the 2's were around the tree's, near the sidewalk and driveway, and close to the fence. The 3's and 2's represented what lawnmower length setting Mike should use for the designated areas. So... yea..... Bob likes a well kept lawn.
5) Northwestern Football
After disowning Oklahoma University as his alma mater, Bob had to chose a college team to root for. In 1995 he found Northwestern, went to nearly every game, and has been in love since. Every year he starts off the college football season by painting his leather Northwestern jacket purple, black, and white in anticipation of a successful campaign. Too bad they haven't won a bowl game since 1949.
4) Stale Peeps
Things that get better with age: Women, cheese, wine...........peeps? Is it normal to like stale peeps? This is about the time of the year that Bob will buy about 8 packs of peeps to start aging. When April rolls around, they are rock hard and ready to be devoured by Bob.
3) The Bob Holmblat pattern
For those of you who don't know know what the Bob Holmblat pattern is (99.999% of the world doesn't). Bob Holmblat was a friend of Bob's at Oklahoma University. He came up with the perfect Pac-Man pattern to beat the level every time (imagine how much ass this guy used to pull in.... what a playa). One time we got Bob (Glassberg) a Pac-Man video game you can plug directly into the T.V. so he could recreate the Bob Holmblat pattern. Bob has been trying to recreate this pattern for over a decade with no success. I'm not exactly sure if this pattern is a myth or not.
2) Coffee
Bob is addicted to coffee. Ok... a lot of people are addicted to coffee, but Bob takes it to a new level. After being a regular at Starbucks and Caribou for a number of years, he decided that the Glassberg family was spending too much money on coffee, so he decided to drop a grand or two on an automatic coffee/espresso/cappuccino maker. In a matter of seconds, this thing makes a single serving of coffee/espresso at the touch of a button. He also bought a coffee roaster. He orders green coffee beans on the internet and roasts them to perfection on a weekly basis.
1) Going to the Grocery Store
The grocery store is Bob's home away from home. It seems like goes to the grocery store on a meal to meal basis. When he is at the grocery store he gets two things:
1) New products- He always brings back things I've never heard of : genetically modified fruits and vegetables, snack toast, jew foods (see #10).
2) Things we already have: How many times a week can you impulse buy cheese, eggs, and granola bars??
The sad part about Bob going to the grocery store every day: Whenever I'm hungry, I can't seem to find anything to eat.
No comments:
Post a Comment